Still grieving.

It has been a long while since I've posted here. I'm still healing and there are still things that slice open that wound without a warning. I have gotten past the daily tears and that feeling of how can life continue, how can everything just keep going on after this terrible awful thing that has happened to me? I didn't think that feeling would go away, but surprisingly somehow life just kept happening and somehow I have managed to keep up with it. Then there are days like today, when I stumble upon someone else's blog and read about their loss and pain and it is my story and my pain fresh and raw. I realize that this sort of thing has happened to so many women, and most of us don't talk about it, at least not to the general public. I hope that I can remember to try to be a little kinder to strangers who might not seem so nice, I have to remember that they are probably walking through their own pain and grief and the look of what I perceive to be anger in their eyes may just be loss unexpressed.

Almost a Year

My Darling Sage,

Just days short of one year and my heart still aches for you. It saddens me to think of all the things you are missing and all the wonderful people who love you so...

Daddy - he is such a wonderful and giving man. He is always thinking of everyone else and his heart is broken without you.

B - your oldest brother, he is 13 now, a teenager, he is smart and has an amazing sense of humor and he finally reached his goal of growing taller than me!

S - your middle brother, he is 9, he is the one who is always making sure everyone gets their fair share, he is the shy one but is the first to come to someone elses rescue.

M - your youngest brother, he is 7 and is everywhere all the time, he gets away with alot more than your other brothers, but it usually can't be helped because of his winning smile.

and L - your sister, she is 4 she has had a hard time accepting that you won't be here with us. She likes to be reassured that you are home with God, yet when she out grows a toy she wants to put away for you. She so looked forward to you, and just doesn't yet have the understanding of the loss.

We all love you so much, and even though we have a hard time articulating it we want you to know how much you are missed, Saturday is going to be a tough day.

Love,

Mommy

Feeling lost.

I am so sad that we haven't been able to get Sage's headstone in yet. I really wanted to be able to have it done before Christmas and now its looking like it might not even be done before...wow, I just realized I don't even know what to call it, I can't really call it his birthday and I don't want to call it the day he passed. What do you name it? The day we lost him is what I am left with. So the headstone might not even be done by then. That really makes me feel like a failure. I feel like he must think we just abandoned him.

Good Day/Bad Day

Lately my feelings are all over the place. Some days I just want to wallow in my own and others sorrow, I drift all over others blogs, crying for them and for myself. Then there are days like today when I just am sick of feeling sorry for myself, tired of always being on the verge of tears, and I just want to be able to move on. Always, always there is the guilt, just rereading my last sentence my immediate thought is shame on you, how dare you even think of being able to move on! I must remind myself that the Lord has blessed me with a new day and for that I am grateful and I know that there will be good days and bad days and I don't have to feel bad for having a good day.

Loss

I have been trying to come to terms with the fact that I won't be having any more children. I know that at my age that should be no surprise, but it seems to be difficult to get used to. I should be thrilled, our youngest is turning 4 this month. No more diapers, 2 am feedings, potty training. My husband and I can start doing things like going away for a night or two without worrying. It just seems that I have been so let down by Sages loss, and I keep waiting to stop feeling that longing, the feel of a newborn in my arms, I feel like something is missing and I know I will never be able to replace him. How will this ever get better?

Holidays

My heart is so broken. I don't feel like I will ever know "normal" again. I'm sure that people think we have all recovered by now, but I haven't. I look forward to and dread the holidays. I found out I was preganant with Sage on Thanksgiving day. I have always loved that holiday. I love cooking for my family, I love that it celebrates all the wonderful blessings we have in our lives and now it is a reminder of what I have lost.

Sage Astin

This blog is dedicated to our baby Sage Astin. Born an Angel March 13, 2009.