Good Day/Bad Day

Lately my feelings are all over the place. Some days I just want to wallow in my own and others sorrow, I drift all over others blogs, crying for them and for myself. Then there are days like today when I just am sick of feeling sorry for myself, tired of always being on the verge of tears, and I just want to be able to move on. Always, always there is the guilt, just rereading my last sentence my immediate thought is shame on you, how dare you even think of being able to move on! I must remind myself that the Lord has blessed me with a new day and for that I am grateful and I know that there will be good days and bad days and I don't have to feel bad for having a good day.

Loss

I have been trying to come to terms with the fact that I won't be having any more children. I know that at my age that should be no surprise, but it seems to be difficult to get used to. I should be thrilled, our youngest is turning 4 this month. No more diapers, 2 am feedings, potty training. My husband and I can start doing things like going away for a night or two without worrying. It just seems that I have been so let down by Sages loss, and I keep waiting to stop feeling that longing, the feel of a newborn in my arms, I feel like something is missing and I know I will never be able to replace him. How will this ever get better?