Feeling lost.

I am so sad that we haven't been able to get Sage's headstone in yet. I really wanted to be able to have it done before Christmas and now its looking like it might not even be done before...wow, I just realized I don't even know what to call it, I can't really call it his birthday and I don't want to call it the day he passed. What do you name it? The day we lost him is what I am left with. So the headstone might not even be done by then. That really makes me feel like a failure. I feel like he must think we just abandoned him.

Good Day/Bad Day

Lately my feelings are all over the place. Some days I just want to wallow in my own and others sorrow, I drift all over others blogs, crying for them and for myself. Then there are days like today when I just am sick of feeling sorry for myself, tired of always being on the verge of tears, and I just want to be able to move on. Always, always there is the guilt, just rereading my last sentence my immediate thought is shame on you, how dare you even think of being able to move on! I must remind myself that the Lord has blessed me with a new day and for that I am grateful and I know that there will be good days and bad days and I don't have to feel bad for having a good day.

Loss

I have been trying to come to terms with the fact that I won't be having any more children. I know that at my age that should be no surprise, but it seems to be difficult to get used to. I should be thrilled, our youngest is turning 4 this month. No more diapers, 2 am feedings, potty training. My husband and I can start doing things like going away for a night or two without worrying. It just seems that I have been so let down by Sages loss, and I keep waiting to stop feeling that longing, the feel of a newborn in my arms, I feel like something is missing and I know I will never be able to replace him. How will this ever get better?

Holidays

My heart is so broken. I don't feel like I will ever know "normal" again. I'm sure that people think we have all recovered by now, but I haven't. I look forward to and dread the holidays. I found out I was preganant with Sage on Thanksgiving day. I have always loved that holiday. I love cooking for my family, I love that it celebrates all the wonderful blessings we have in our lives and now it is a reminder of what I have lost.

Sage Astin

This blog is dedicated to our baby Sage Astin. Born an Angel March 13, 2009.